1st Impressions of Berlin: Part 1

I arrived in Berlin just over a week ago.  Since then it has been sunny for approximately 15 minutes and the temperature has not gone over 23˚C.  I have noted that during this time it has been sunny every single minute with highs of between 27 and 31 in Los Angeles.  Did I mention that I came here from Los Angeles? Somehow, I knew this was going to happen.  My presence in Berlin has been indisputably and historically linked to crap summer weather.  I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking you don’t believe me.  But we’ll see what you continue to think once I present you with the evidence:

EVIDENCE

• Berlin, Summer of 2006 – beautiful, sunny and hot (I am not in Berlin)
• Berlin, Summer of 2007 – crappy, not often sunny, not often hot (I am in Berlin)
• Berlin, Summer of 2008 up until July 10 – beautiful, sunny and hot (I am not in Berlin)
• Berlin, Summer of 2008 after July 10 – cappy, not often sunny, not often hot (I am in Berlin)

So there we are.  If that isn’t proof enough for you then you probably still believe that we are all related.

Seeing as I have lived in Berlin previously there hasn’t been that new city excitement, but instead a comfortable process of rediscovery.  Some of my rediscoveries, in no particular order, and how they measured up to the memory.

German Toilets (memory = crap, reality = crap)

Why?  There are some experiences that you wonder this for the first encounter, then you accept and grow accustomed to it; for example when you see Japanese people reading vertical text.  These experiences are different from our own, but are not necessarily non-sensical.  They can often be interesting as they remind us of the arbitrary nature of so many things we take for granted.  Round prongs vs. Flat prongs in power outlets.  Coins with holes in them.  Forks vs. Chopsticks.  

Sometimes we even become aware of a better way of doing things.  The two paper L-technique of rolling joints taught to me in France, the yellow signal light coming on just before the green to tell you to get ready to go, as seen in various European countries, the total absence of traffic laws for scooters in Korea, and so on.

And sometimes we become aware of worse ways of doing things.  And then there are German toilets. Imagine this: instead of your excrement gently sliding into a basin of water where (unless it’s a floater) the smell is fairly benign, it lands on a bone-dry shelf.  And sits there.  And sits there.  Until you finish and flush.  It stinks.  The conductivity of smells through air is much faster than through water.  

I have asked Germans about this and no one has been able to provide any explanation.  None.  A baffled friend I had visiting from North America dubbed it, appropriately, the “crap shelf”.  Which is exactly what it is.  It is like taking a crap and setting it on a shelf where you can both smell and observe it to your heart’s delight.  I could possibly imagine this being something that came out of Eastern Germany due to government monopolies, shady contracts, and a scat-minded engineer, but as far as I can tell these are still being manufactured and purchased.  This may be the single most baffling thing about Germany.

Partying All Night (memory = great, reality = slightly less than great, but close)

I don’t know how many nights I cursed the 1:30am closing time of bars in LA.  Probably close to all of them. But I do know how many times I thanked the law makers of california for the 1:30am closing time of bars in LA.  Approximately 2-4 times per week.  And I do know when.  At 9:45am (when my first alarm would ring). And to be more precise, 9:45am on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesday, Thursdays and Fridays.  

Now, I don’t necessarily have to get up at any particular hour for the next 73 days, but the point remains the same.  As much as I hated having the government decide when the fun was over, it did keep me from getting fired from my day job.  Or, to be more general, it allowed me to continue functioning as a semi-productive member of society.  Here in Berlin I was hanging out with a friend who told me that she hadn’t been to bed before 5am in weeks.  When she told me this it was 6am in the morning.  On a Monday.  I woke up at 3pm that day.  You can see where this is going.

Additionally, the 1:30am closing time in Los Angeles encourages a dynamic after hours scene and lots of illegal places that will serve as long as they have customers.  As well as more house parties.  And I love house parties.  Wasn’t there someone who said something about necessity being the mother of creativity?

The Euro (memory = crap exchange rate, reality = crap shelf exchange rate)

Come on USA!  Get your shit together!  

Germans Re: US beer (memory = idiots, reality = still idiots)

I once bought a couple Germans visiting me in the States a 6-pack of Becks so they would shut up about “American Beer”.  They went on to complain that the Becks in the US was not the same as the Becks in Germany.  At that point I realized that they were completely full of shit and gave up.  My thought on beer is: Who gives a shit?  I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me on that one, and I don’t agree with myself in the sense that I do not like most dark beer, but how much fucking difference is there between one pilsener and another?  The answer, whether you like it or not, is not too damn much.  I drink PBR and I like it.  So there.

I AM INTERRUPTING THIS COLUMN TO CRASH BERLIN FASHION WEEK, BEGINNING TOMORROW.  

NEWS WILL FOLLOW.